Here's what I'm thankful for this year

Including my raw, unrivaled talent, without which I’d be ordinary and boring like you.

While the women are cleaning up the huge mess they made in the kitchen earlier, I figured I’d hop on here and send you all a quick note about some of the things I’m thankful for.

Here’s my list, in no particular order:

1. Women who clean up after themselves when they’re done making a mess in the kitchen. There’s nothing worse than eating a hot, homecooked meal and then having to throw things away and wash dishes afterwards. It ruins the whole experience. Women who cook and clean up after themselves are gifts from God. We can show our appreciation by helping them out, or we can admire their effort from the other room while nodding off on the couch. (They prefer the latter, because we only get in the way when we try to help.)

2. Writers who do it for the love of the craft, not the money. Just think, if my writers didn’t love what they do, they’d want to be paid a fair wage to do it. And I couldn’t afford that without changing my lifestyle.

3. Boomers who think our satire is true. Boomers who don’t understand satire are the reason The Babylon Bee is so successful. They “like” our stories. They share our stories. They comment underneath our stories saying things like, “I can’t believe this is actually true!” and “Take this off my phone screen!”

4. Leftists who try to cancel us. These geniuses amplify our voice every time they try to silence it. I wouldn’t be close personal friends with Tucker Carlson if it weren’t for them.

   ¹

5. Dumb people who click on ads. May they live—and click on ads—forever.

6. Smart people who subscribe to turn off ads. Paid subscribers are among the greatest people on earth, second only to dutiful women who clean up after themselves in the kitchen (see #1 above).

7. Forgetful people who intended to cancel their paid subscription but got distracted by something. These unsung heroes are putting my kids through college and financing my vacation homes.

8. My raw, unrivaled talent, without which I’d be ordinary and boring like you.

9. Incredible tweets like this one that somehow aren’t satire:

Women's March @womensmarch

We apologize deeply for the email that was sent today. $14.92 was our average donation amount this week. It was an oversight on our part to not make the connection to a year of colonization, conquest, and genocide for Indigenous people, especially before Thanksgiving.

1. When I say we are “close personal friends,” I mean he has spoken to me before.