Five reasons to stop whatever you're doing and buy our new book

Some of which are good reasons.

1. You need to spend all of your money before it completely loses its value. Hyperinflation is the most urgent reason to buy our new book. Before you know it, the retail price of a paperback book will skyrocket to $150, which is even more than I earn per minute.

2. I can’t yet afford a superyacht. Don’t get me wrong—I have plenty of money. I can afford a medium-size yacht. I just don’t presently have enough cash on hand to buy an insanely extravagant superyacht. But you have it in your power to change that. Just click on this link and buy our new book, preferably more than once.

3. Everybody’s doing it. I believe it was Jesus who said, “If everybody is doing something, it must be a good idea.” Going with the flow and doing whatever’s popular in the moment is always smart (and biblical). And everybody’s buying our book. We’re hitting the top of the charts in crowded categories, such as “Newly released satirical books authored by The Babylon Bee.”

4. Our writers would like to be paid. We did send them a paycheck just a few months back, but they’re already asking for another one. Some of them apparently have children who “need to eat.” While emotional appeals don’t normally work on me, I’ve reluctantly decided that a portion of the proceeds from book sales will bypass the superyacht fund and go directly to the book’s authors.¹

5. You hate trees and want them to die. In that case, we have good news: Our book is printed on paper, which comes from murdered trees. Buy it here now.

1. My lawyers said this was probably necessary.